


Where do I begin?

by ChocoNut



Series: Tales of love (Season 3/4) [38]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Harrenhal to King's Landing, Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26284486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocoNut/pseuds/ChocoNut
Summary: One night, on their way back from Harrenhal when Brienne is fast asleep, Jaime decides to pour his heart out to her.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Series: Tales of love (Season 3/4) [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1483640
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Where do I begin?

_Where do I begin?_

Heading across to her bed, Jaime sat beside her and took her hand. Pressing his fingers slightly into her palm to absorb the sensation of her calloused skin on his, he found himself drifting into another bout of brooding. Of late, since he’d brought her back from Harrenhal, his frequent spells of silent introspection had become an unavoidable norm.

For most part of the journey, he would keep to himself, but what was it that prompted him to shed his reservations tonight to approach her? Was it the confidence that she wouldn’t wake anytime now given how peaceful and serenely asleep she appeared. Was it the guilt of his indecision to act earlier, his hesitation to negotiate for her release? Was it the extent of the injuries the bear had inflicted upon her?

Such sensitivity, he’d never felt before towards another, barring his family. Such deep kinship, such—

He dared not tread beyond that. Answers, he had sought and found, but none that would lead him any closer to her. Only this night, he had, for tomorrow would be another day, another beginning, one that took him another step closer home and away from her. 

He shifted his hand to her neck, fingertips gingerly tracing the still fresh wounds, wincing slightly as he felt her pain. “Where do I begin, my lady?” he murmured, leaning closer so that even the minutest scratch was visible. “The night we first met?” He let out a soft laugh. “Or the sunlight blazing down on that fateful morning when I saw you properly for the first time?” 

A grip of guilt clenched his chest when he returned to the memory. “I wanted to hate you so badly, wench.”

“I mocked you, ridiculed you—” he gently ran his finger along a dried patch of blood “—and I thought doing that would get me closer to what I wanted to feel for you.” Every little thought still rang clear in his head. “ _There are no men like me_ , I used to keep saying,” he recounted, his boastful declaration to Catelyn Stark, still fresh in his mind. “But little did I know that my life would take a turn upon this encounter with—” 

He paused. He could feel a lump in his throat, emotions egging him to go on but the obstruction hindering him. 

“There are no women like you, Brienne,” he declared from the bottom of his heart, trailing his knuckles along her collarbone. “Only you— _people often overpraise a famous name_ , you once told me out of spite—” how he’d hated her ruthless ability to speak her mind “—only _you_ had the nerve to hit me with your honesty unlike the others who bad-mouthed me behind my back.” 

Moments before that bitter exchange, he had tried to kill her. But would he have actually gone ahead and done the deed had he been able to snatch the advantage from her? “I couldn’t,” he answered his own question, shaking his head. “I can’t.”

He swallowed, waiting for the choking sensation to settle down before he could go on. These wounds—how much more had she suffered? How much of this ran deeper? How much of her did they manage to invade? “I’m sorry,” he lamented, wiping a smudge of dirt off the corner of her mouth with the edge of his sleeve. “Sorry for not taking you with me earlier, for leaving you alone with these savages. I didn’t expect—”

She stirred, and he halted, his heart fluttering up to his throat, but when she went back to her peaceful world of dreams, he loosened up again. “You asked me why I lied about Tarth.” He’d had no answer for her then, but the last few days had it all for him—all the pieces coming together to become a whole. “You asked me why I returned,” he continued, for letting it all out would be his only recourse to peace. “And I told you I dreamed of you. While I did, Brienne—” his hand back in hers, he wished he could sit like this all night, stay with her forever “—that was the last I slept. I couldn’t, after that, not even a wink—” 

A long silence, he had to delve into, deep gulps of air not helping him ease into fluid speech. 

“I can’t hate you, wench,” he said, hoarse and barely able to put the words together. “I don’t want to anymore. All I want is—”

She shifted again, her hand curling around his fingers, and Jaime’s heart lurched up a bit more. Worried he might wake her, he unlinked his hand from her grasp and got up.

“I can never forget you,” he sighed, casting a last lingering gaze upon her. When she woke, they would be heading home. Home, it was, but only in name, for the day she’d take leave of him, his heart would trudge alongside her, latching itself to its new home. 

And he’d be left behind with a void, an emptiness nothing else could satisfy.

“I don’t think I can ever get over you, Brienne,” he sadly whispered, then turned to leave— 

“Where do I begin?”

Whether it was the lack of expectation of hearing her voice that caught him by surprise or the echo of his exact expression, he didn’t know. He swirled around to face her, despite his alarm, a mighty wave of something inexplicable washing over him when he found his feelings reflected in those pretty eyes.

“ _We don’t get to choose who we love_ , you told me once.” Brienne attempted to sit up, and he swooped down to help her, an arm around her, his hand on hers. “I didn’t choose you, Ser Jaime,” she whispered, barely able to get her words out, “but even if I did have the privilege of a choice, I couldn’t have found a nobler man.”

 _Noble._ No one had ever used that word in conjunction with him before, and it moved him deeply. There truly was no one like her. Only her. And it made him yearn for her even more, it filled him with a sense of devotion, a desire to pray to the gods to grant them an afterwards.

“Pretending to be asleep to stealthily overhear someone’s secret musings isn’t fair, you know?” he gently teased, dropping onto the bed to seat himself by her side. “You heard all of my rambling, I take it?”

She exhaled, her strength waning, then rested her head on the comforting support of his chest. “Every word of it. From when you began,” she admitted, her fingers lightly grazing his chest. “I can’t hate you, either. Nor can I forget you or get over you when we’re compelled to part ways.”

He could feel his heart drumming against his ribs. “Do we really have to?” He looked down at the blue eyes heavy with sleep. “Part company, I mean?”

“I don’t want to,” she groggily answered, her palm crossing his heart. “If only we could find a way—”

“We will find a way, my lady.” He pulled her closer, fresh strength gushing down his limbs, fresh determination flooding him all over. His heart swelling with confidence and a renewed desire to live, he placed on her lips the softest kiss he’d graced a lady with. “Sleep now. And tomorrow will be a new day, bringing with it a new beginning, a new life.” 

_Tomorrow_ would take him a step closer to who he was, to her. He would be home, at last.

He stayed on her lips for a moment, breathing with her, their dreams, their hearts, their minds becoming one.

She tied herself to his gaze and he sank deeper into those eyes, holding her close, brushing back rogue wisps of hair off her forehead, soothing her pain with the gentlest touches, the sweetest kisses.

He whispered tender words and promises, lulling her to a realm of pleasant dreams, this time, vowing never to let go, to always keep her safe.

She drifted back to sleep, and he didn’t budge. He held her hand and sat by her side all night, taking the first step towards keeping his promise.


End file.
